Let’s face it: bathrooms are where we plot life’s greatest ideas (shower thoughts) and hide from our families. But yours currently resembles a sad motel room from 1987. Fear not! With a few tweaks—and a lot of scented candles—you can turn this functional space into a sanctuary. Or at least a place where guests don’t fear contracting tetanus.
Step 1: Banish the “Landlord Special”
Ditch the flickering fluorescent light and beige tiles that scream “I’ve given up on joy.”
- Paint: Choose a color that isn’t “Institutional White.” Try moody blues, soft greens, or “I’m a grown-up” gray.
- Lighting: Swap the interrogation-ready bulb for a dimmable sconce. Bonus points if it’s shaped like a spaceship.
- Flooring: If your tiles look like a chessboard from hell, add a rug. (Yes, bathroom rugs exist.)
Pro tip: If your bathroom is smaller than a TikTok dance, use mirrors to fake space. And sanity.
Step 2: Storage That Doesn’t Scream “I Hoard Travel-Sized Shampoos”
Clutter is inevitable, but your countertop shouldn’t look like a CVX dumpster.
- Floating shelves: Display fancy soaps you’ll never use and plants that thrive on neglect (looking at you, snake plant).
- Baskets: Hide cotton swabs, expired meds, and your secret candy stash.
- Over-the-toilet cabinet: For towels, toilet paper, and that 2008 issue of People magazine.
Warning: If guests open your cabinet, they will find your toe fungus cream.
Step 3: Accessorize Like You’re on HGTV (But Broke)
- Towels: Buy white ones to feel like a spa. Then immediately regret it when makeup stains happen.
- Art: Hang waterproof prints (think: abstract waves or sassy quotes like “Wine Helps”).
- Plants: Add a pothos or orchid. If they die, swap them for plastic. No one will know.
Pro move: A tiny succulent in a teacup = “I’m quirky and have my life together.”
Step 4: The Shower Curtain of Lies
Your shower curtain is the Beyoncé of the bathroom—it does all the work.
- Patterns: Go bold (tropical leaves) or zen (linen waffle). Avoid cartoon ducks unless you’re 7.
- Hooks: Upgrade from rusty metal to brushed brass. Or bedazzle them. Live your truth.
- Liner: Get a mildew-resistant one. Or just bleach it weekly and call it “character.”
Step 5: Smells Matter (Mask the Truth)
Your bathroom shouldn’t smell like a wet dog’s gym bag.
- Candles: Name them “Ocean Breeze” or “Lavender Lies.”
- Diffusers: For people who fear burning down the house.
- Essential oils: Peppermint to wake up, eucalyptus to pretend you’re in a spa, regret to fuel your day.
Note: Febreze is also a valid life choice.
What NOT to Do (Unless You’re a Chaos Goblin)
- Glossy black walls: Shows water spots and existential dread.
- Carpeted floors: A crime against humanity (and hygiene).
- Live-edge counters: Splinters in sensitive places? Hard pass.
Final Takeaway: Embrace the Delusion
Your bathroom doesn’t need to be a Pinterest masterpiece. It just needs to:
- Function: Store your 37 hair products without an avalanche.
- Distract: Use a fancy soap dispenser to hide the fact you’ve never cleaned the grout.
- Smell Nice: Or at least not like regret and wet dog.
And remember: If all else fails, lock the door and claim you’re “renovating.”
