Your home looks like a Best Buy threw up in it. Here’s how to hide your tech addiction from your judgy interior designer friends.
1. Narcissist Mirrors
For narcissists who need constant validation:
• Check both makeup and stock prices
• Discreetly judge guests’ outfits
• Pro tip: Claim it’s “art” when not in use
2. Spy Speaker Society
For passive-aggressive audiophiles:
• Discreetly blast Nickelback
• Pretend you’ve “outgrown” subwoofers
• Pro tip: Install in walls – divorce papers go there too
3. Furniture That Betrays You
Couch potato 2.0:
• Charge phone while scrolling TikTok
• Secret compartments for secret snacks
• Pro tip: Buy IKEA and call it “bespoke”
4. Stalker Chic Cameras
For controlling ex energy:
• Teddy bear watches you sleep
• Fake plant streams 4K footage
• Pro tip: Name cameras after exes – therapeutic!
5. Epileptic Lighting
Rave-ready retirement homes:
• Disco mode for Tinder dates
• “Romantic” setting hides dirty dishes
• Pro tip: Sync lights to Spotify – regret optional
6. Thermostat Witness Protection
For climate control deniers:
• Hide in fake Monet print
• Pretend sweat stains are “glowing”
• Pro tip: Blame ghosts for temperature swings
7. Spy vs. Spy Curtains
For peeping Toms:
• Auto-close when in-laws arrive
• Solar-powered = eco-stalking
• Pro tip: Sync to Doorbell cam – maximum paranoia
8. Kitchen Appliances Anonymous
For failed chefs:
• Fridge emails your diet fails
• Oven shames burnt cookies
• Pro tip: Name dishwasher “The Ex”
9. Spy Hub Hubba Hubba
Big Brother centerpiece:
• Disguised as “artisanal” paperweight
• Records arguments for posterity
• Pro tip: Name it HAL – skip the drama
10. Charging Station Denial
For tech hoarders:
• Charge 17 devices secretly
• Fake bookshelf hides cords
• Pro tip: Call it “digital detox” – they’ll never look
Final Surveillance
Tag us in your #TechFails – bonus if your Roomba stages an intervention. Remember: if the Wi-Fi goes down, so does your personality.
