Your bathroom’s about to become AirBnB-worthy for spiders. Here’s how to turn your loo into a jungle even Tarzan would avoid.
1. Plant Overload Disorder
For wannabe botanists:
• Mold now has roommates
• Toilet paper? You mean plant support?
• Pro tip: Name plants after exes – watch them thrive
2. Caveman Chic Counters
Neanderthal luxury:
• Perfect for practicing primal screams
• Stubbed toes included free
• Pro tip: Claim moss growth is “patina”
3. Peeping Tom Shower
For exhibitionists:
• Squirrels get free shows
• Mosquito spa treatment included
• Pro tip: Wave at delivery drivers
4. Solar Cooker Lighting
For vampire rehab:
• Morning bird’s eye view of your business
• Sunburns in awkward places
• Pro tip: Buy stock in sunscreen
5. Sad Earth Tone Therapy
Depression-core palette:
• Fifty shades of beige
• Hides existential crisis stains
• Pro tip: Cry in complementary colors
6. Termite Bait Décor
For Home Depot enthusiasts:
• Splinter toilet paper optional
• Rotting wood = “rustic charm”
• Pro tip: Claim woodworm holes are “ventilation”
7. Mold-Friendly Fabrics
For microbiology experiments:
• Jute towels exfoliate aggressively
• Linen curtains grow own ecosystem
• Pro tip: Call mildew “abstract art”
8. Indoor Flash Floods
For aspiring mermaids:
• Slip hazard included
• Mosquito breeding program
• Pro tip: Stock koi fish – toilet buddies!
9. Mold Canvas Curtains
Living art installation:
• Fungus grows custom patterns
• Peeling prints hide peeling walls
• Pro tip: Claim stains are “earth tones”
10. Neighborhood Showcase Windows
For reality TV stars:
• Perfect mooning panorama
• Birds confused by reflections
• Pro tip: Wave to paparazzi squirrels
11. Sad Nature Posters
Motivational misery:
• Sunset over toilet inspiration
• Trees judging your life choices
• Pro tip: Add “Hang in There” kitten poster
12. Guilt Trip Faucets
For water conservation martyrs:
• Dribble showers build character
• Toilet flushes with tears
• Pro tip: Lecture guests about icebergs
13. Essential Oil Overdose
For sinus assaults:
• Lavender-induced migraines
• Eucalyptus burns nasal passages
• Pro tip: Claim it’s “holistic healing”
14. Hippie Trinket Graveyard
For failed yoga teachers:
• Driftwood soap dishes
• Pinecone toilet brush holder
• Pro tip: Call dust “fairy glitter”
15. Forest Fire Lighting
For moth recruitment:
• Shadows highlight mold patterns
• Perfect for horror movie selfies
• Pro tip: Claim flickering is “ambiance”
Final Jungle
Tag us in your #BathroomJungleFails – bonus if you’ve named a mushroom colony. Remember: if you can’t find the toilet, you’ve succeeded.
