Confession: I spent $200 on ferns just to watch them die dramatically. Here’s how to torture your porch with “spring vibes.”
1. Fern Funeral Home: Plant Hospice Corner
For serial plant killers:
• Boston ferns = crispy decor by May
• Maidenhair ferns = maiden’s despair
• Pro tip: Spray paint dead ones – eternal spring!
2. Wicker Wreckage: Splinter Central
For masochistic decorators:
• Vintage wicker = butt splinters
• “Weather-resistant” = lies from Big Porch
• Pro tip: Duct tape counts as “shabby chic”
3. Passive-Aggressive Mats: Welcome to Hell
For people who hate visitors:
• “Go Away” in cursive = classy hostility
• Floral designs hide muddy paw prints
• Pro tip: Add “No Soliciting” – neighbors love it
4. Flower Box Fiascos: Squirrel Buffet
For wildlife enthusiasts:
• Petunias = bunny dinner
• Pansies = pansy-ass plants
• Pro tip: Plant plastic flowers – fool’s spring
5. Fire Hazard Lights: Electrifying Decor
For aspiring pyromaniacs:
• Fairy lights = spider high-rises
• Extension cords = tripwire decor
• Pro tip: Solar lights = eternal darkness
6. Rug Regrets: Moldy Masterpieces
For mildew collectors:
• “Outdoor” fabric = science experiment
• Vibrant patterns = stain camouflage
• Pro tip: Call it “patina” – rich people do it
7. Pinterest Fails: DIY Disasters
For overconfident crafters:
• Pallet wood = tetanus risk
• Nail gun injuries = DIY badge of honor
• Pro tip: Glue everything – future you’s problem
8. Seasonal Shame: Easter Egg Overload
For holiday hoarders:
• Plastic bunnies = year-round judgment
• Pastel wreaths = HOA violation waiting
• Pro tip: Leave up until Halloween – efficiency!
9. Blanket Blunders: Moth Buffet
For textile masochists:
• “Cozy” throws = spider condos
• Wool blankets = moth five-star resort
• Pro tip: Use duct tape – it’s “textured” now
10. Herb Horror Show: Neglected Basil
For aspiring chefs who order takeout:
• Rosemary = crispy sticks of shame
• Mint = neighborhood invasive species
• Pro tip: Buy pre-cut herbs – like God intended
11. Lantern Lament: Bug Coffins
For entomologists:
• Glass lanterns = bug mausoleums
• Citronella candles = mosquito appetizers
• Pro tip: Use floodlights – annoy neighbors
12. Cringe Personalization: Live Laugh Loath
For basic witches:
• Family name sign = burglar cheat sheet
• “Est. 2020” = pandemic trauma reminder
• Pro tip: Add “Blessed” – instant eye rolls
13. Forced Nature Vibes: Driftwood Dust Catcher
For city slickers pretending:
• Driftwood = spider Airbnb
• River rocks = tripping hazards
• Pro tip: Buy plastic logs – nature without bugs
14. Unplayed Games: Cornhole Graveyard
For delusional entertainers:
• Board games = warped by humidity
• Badminton set = single racquet club
• Pro tip: Use as plant stands – multitasking!
15. Scented Sadness: Lavender Overload
For allergy sufferers:
• Lavender = bee attractant
• Citronella = mosquito aphrodisiac
• Pro tip: Febreze the plants – modern solutions
Porch Purge: The Aftermath
Your porch now resembles a HomeGoods clearance aisle. Enjoy your outdoor asylum!
