Your lightbulbs now judge your Netflix choices. Here’s how to let Big Tech micromanage your life while calling it “progress.”
1. Outlet Overlords 101
For people who miss parental controls:
• Teaches appliances passive aggression
• “Energy saving” = lights off during horror movies
• Pro tip: Hide WiFi password – become your router’s jailer
2. Alexa: Unofficial Marriage Counselor
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that” – Every argument ever:
• Mishears “lights dim” as “start riot mode”
• Plays Nickelback during therapy sessions
• Pro tip: Blame glitches for passive-aggressive lighting
3. Dawn of the Dead (Battery Edition)
Wake up to existential dread & cold brew:
• Coffee maker brews air at 3 AM
• “Sunrise simulation” = strobe light seizure party
• Pro tip: Keep manual kettle – for when tech rebels
4. Disco Inferno Lighting
Epilepsy test included free:
• “Romantic ambiance” = Satan’s lava lamp
• Bulb colors clash with your soul
• Pro tip: Use red light – hides wine spills
5. Spyware Masquerading as Savings
Your fridge now judges your snack habits:
• Alerts when you binge-watch too long
• “Eco mode” = freezer becomes cupboard
• Pro tip: Unplug router – return to analog bliss
6. Security Theater 2.0
Burglars laugh while lights disco:
• Cameras film dust bunnies menacingly
• “Intruder alert” = cat triggers apocalypse
• Pro tip: Yard sign “Protected by Alexa”
7. Netflix & Chill? More Like Buffer & Rage
“Hey Google, ruin movie night”:
• Connects to neighbor’s porn playlist
• Volume spikes during silent films
• Pro tip: Learn Morse code for remote
8. Festive Fire Hazards
Christmas in July? July in flames:
• Pumpkin lights ignite in August
• “Festive mode” summons fire department
• Pro tip: Keep marshmallows handy
9. Pet Surveillance State
Fido files restraining order:
• Auto-feeder dispenses Legos
• “Comfort lights” induce doggie raves
• Pro tip: Cats learn to voice command
10. Office of Eternal Damnation
Zoom calls meet Skynet:
• Lights dim during presentations
• Coffee maker brews printer ink
• Pro tip: Use candles – promotion to caveman
11. Botanic Betrayal
Roses are dead, violets are crispy:
• Sprinklers water concrete religiously
• “Ambiance lighting” grows mold
• Pro tip: Fake plants – they can’t sue
12. Kitchen Nightmares 2.0
“Preheat oven” becomes house fire:
• Fridge orders 50 lbs of kale
• Toaster prints existential tweets
• Pro tip: Eat cereal – it’s safer
13. Paranoid Android Living
Your doorbell’s in the CIA:
• Sirens blare for pizza deliveries
• Cameras stream to your ex’s phone
• Pro tip: Hire mime as security guard
14. “Cozy” Ambiance (Code for Blackout)
“Alexa, set mood to witness protection”:
• Candles? Too analog. Embrace darkness
• Playlist defaults to whale songs
• Pro tip: Glow sticks – rave alone
15. Maintenance Alerts: Nagging 2.0
Your outlets now guilt-trip you:
• “Unplug charger” notifications hourly
• Judges laundry frequency
• Pro tip: Throw router into ocean
Final System Crash
Tag us in your #SmartHomeFails – bonus if your Roomba stages a coup.
