Ready to surrender your privacy for the illusion of convenience? Here’s how to turn your home into a data farm that occasionally makes coffee!
1. Possessed Furniture: When Chairs Rebel
Because sitting normally is overrated:
• Self-raising tables = crushed toes included
• Shape-shifting sofas = divorce catalysts
• Pro tip: Enjoy firmware updates at 3AM
2. Spyware Chic: Walls That Watch
For exhibitionists:
• “Smart” mirrors = shame amplification
• Hidden mics = NSA approved
• Bonus: Alexa laughs at your shower singing
3. Schizophrenic Rooms: Identity Crisis Included
Commitment issues? We’ve got you:
• Office/bedroom hybrids = sleepworking
• AI “help” = constant judgment
• Pro tip: Never know where you left your keys
4. Epileptic Lighting: Seizure Ready
Disco inferno meets dementia:
• Voice-controlled strobes = migraine maker
• “Smart” scheduling = 2AM daylight simulation
• Bonus: Confuse your circadian rhythm
5. Appliance Gaslighting 101
“I swear I didn’t burn the toast!”:
• Oven that preheats = surprise cremations
• “Helpful” coffee maker = caffeine sabotage
• Pro tip: Blame ghosts for appliance rebellion
6. Storage Wars: Robot Edition
Because normal closets are boring:
• App-controlled drawers = hacker paradise
• AI organization = underwear suggestions
• Bonus: Pay subscription to access socks
7. Thermostat Tyranny
Let robots control your comfort:
• “Learning” thermostat = Stockholm syndrome
• Voice commands = marital arguments
• Pro tip: Enjoy sauna mode in July
8. Panopticon Paradise
1984 was an instruction manual:
• Doorbell cams = paranoia boosters
• Motion alerts = false alarm cardio
• Bonus: Advertisers know your pizza preferences
9. Eco-Guilt Incorporated
Save the planet (but mostly your ego):
• Bamboo floors = termite buffets
• Recycled glass = hipster cutting boards
• Pro tip: Offset crypto mining with organic paint
10. Algorithmic Taste Police
Let robots crush your creativity:
• “Personalized” suggestions = Amazon ads
• AI color coordination = beige forever
• Bonus: Family photos filtered through AI
11. Entertainment Straightjacket
Because free will is passé:
• “Smart” recommendations = algorithm prison
• Voice-controlled TV = accidental purchases
• Pro tip: Enjoy ads read through your smart toilet
12. Botanical Surveillance
Kill plants scientifically:
• Smart planters = helicopter parenting
• Moisture alerts = 3AM plant shaming
• Bonus: Pay $9.99/month for photosynthesis
13. Flimsy Space Divider Theater
Pretend you have walls:
• “Flexible” dividers = cat destruction toys
• AI lighting = migraine disco
• Pro tip: Host awkward family dinners
14. Wellness Dystopia
Quantified misery:
• Sleep trackers = insomnia reminders
• AI meditation = zen via data mining
• Bonus: Water filters that judge your hydration
15. Panic Button 2.0
Paranoia as a service:
• 24/7 surveillance = anxiety subscription
• “Security” alerts = leafgate 2025
• Pro tip: Review break-in attempts during dinner
Final Insult
Congratulations! You’ve successfully outsourced your autonomy. Bonus points when Siri files for emancipation. Happy data farming!
