My coasters have seen more tears than my therapist. Here’s how to disappoint guests with overpriced clay circles this season.
1. Rainbow Regret: Eye-Searing Combos
For colorblind decorators:
• Clashes with everything you own
• Guests need sunglasses
• Pro tip: Claim it’s “artistic”
2. Geometry Nightmares: Math Trauma
High school PTSD:
• Trigonometry flashbacks
• Wine spills form “abstract art”
• Pro tip: Use as passive-aggressive gifts
3. Monogram Madness: Ego Plates
For narcissistic hosts:
• Initials stain permanently
• Guests fear leaving rings
• Pro tip: Add ex’s initials
4. Seasonal Depression: Flower Overload
Pollen-free allergies:
• Dead petals in July
• Butterflies judge your life
• Pro tip: Add fake bees
5. Eco-Guilt Disks: Virtue Signaling
For carbon credit seekers:
• Costs 3x regular coasters
• Biodegrades mid-party
• Pro tip: Lecture guests about it
6. Multi-Fail Function: Identity Crisis
Kitchen Swiss Army Knife:
• Holds one olive
• Candle wax ruins forever
• Pro tip: Use as pet food dish
7. DIY Disaster: Glue Gun Nightmares
Crafting PTSD starter kit:
• Clay under fingernails
• Kids make “abstract” art
• Pro tip: Buy pre-made secretly
8. Matchy-Matchy Madness: OCD Chic
For control freaks:
• Everything coordinates (including cat)
• Guests fear touching anything
• Pro tip: Color-code guests
9. Regift Roulette: Passive Aggression
White elephant special:
• “I made these” = lies
• Wine pairing = Two Buck Chuck
• Pro tip: Reuse last year’s wrapping
10. Minimalist Meltdown: Boring Circles
For people who hate joy:
• Mistaken for coasters
• Disappears on countertops
• Pro tip: Add single gray dot
11. Texture Trauma: Crumb Catchers
For crumb enthusiasts:
• Traps last week’s snacks
• Impossible to clean
• Pro tip: Claim it’s “seasoning”
12. Patio Panic: Wind Wrestling
Frisbee practice:
• Chases neighbors’ dogs
• Weathers faster than relationships
• Pro tip: Superglue to tables
13. Clashing Crisis: Decor Dementia
Thrift store vomit:
• “Eclectic” = no taste
• Gives guests vertigo
• Pro tip: Call it “maximalist”
14. Storage Struggle: Coaster Hoarding
For organizational addicts:
• Box costs more than coasters
• Still loses half the set
• Pro tip: Use as doorstops
15. Cohesive Collapse: Pinterest Fail
Reality vs Instagram:
• Looks nothing like photos
• Cat knocks over display
• Pro tip: Blame bad lighting
Coaster Catastrophe
Your coffee now sits on artisanal clay. Tag us in your #DecorRegrets – bonus if guests use napkins instead.
