My ergonomic chair now charges rent. Here’s how to turn your living space into a corporate surveillance zone.
1. Backbreaker 3000: Posture Torture Devices
For masochistic professionals:
• 17 adjustments you’ll never use
• Beeps if you slouch (always beeping)
• Pro tip: Use as expensive coat rack
2. Virtual Facade: Hiding Your Chaos
Instagram vs reality:
• Fake bookshelf hides laundry mountain
• Plants are plastic (like your smile)
• Pro tip: Green screen pajama pants
3. Fake Jungle: Plant Graveyard
For serial plant killers:
• Last watered: COVID lockdown
• Dust doubles as fertilizer
• Pro tip: Buy cactus (it’s suicidal)
4. Depression Palette: Sad Wall Colors
Fifty shades of beige:
• “Calming” = soul-crushing
• Accent wall: Existential crisis
• Pro tip: Cry into color swatches
5. Spy Tech: Alexa Judges You
Corporate surveillance:
• Tracks bathroom breaks
• Orders kale smoothies automatically
• Pro tip: Unplug during breakdowns
6. Bare Walls: Poverty Chic
For people who hate stuff:
• Chair costs $2000 (looks stolen)
• Single pen = “statement piece”
• Pro tip: Call empty space “art”
7. Identity Crisis Corner
Schrödinger’s office:
• Conference table = dining table
• Bed? Desk? Who knows!
• Pro tip: Hide Zoom pants in drawers
8. Narcissism Nook
Shrine to yourself:
• 43 framed selfies
• “Inspiration” = Pinterest fails
• Pro tip: Add motivational sticky notes
9. Interrogation Lights
Guantanamo Bay chic:
• Migraine-inducing brightness
• “Warm glow” = nuclear reactor
• Pro tip: Wear sunglasses indoors
10. OCD Paradise
For control freaks:
• Color-coded paperclips
• Alphabetized snack drawer
• Pro tip: Schedule breakdowns
11. Silence Prison
Library rules apply:
• Hear neighbors breathing
• Panels match prison aesthetic
• Pro tip: Scream into pillows
12. Transformer Regrets
Ikea nightmare fuel:
• 47 unlabeled bolts
• Collapses during meetings
• Pro tip: Claim it’s “modern art”
13. Eco-Guilt Decor
Virtue signaling:
• Desk made of haunted barn wood
• Solar charger never works
• Pro tip: Lecture Zoom calls
14. Pretentious Art
Compensating for personality:
• “It’s a metaphor” (it’s trash)
• Costs more than your degree
• Pro tip: Fingerpaint abstract “pieces”
15. Nap Zone
Covert bed setup:
• Stains from 3PM “naps”
• Hides emergency chocolate
• Pro tip: Set “meetings” here
Burnout Conclusion
Your ergonomic throne awaits. Tag us in your #WFHFails – bonus if your desk converts into a crying pod.
