Confession: I spent more on throw pillows than my therapy copay. Here’s how to smother your sofa in denial.
1. Velvet Vices: For Recovering Minimalists
The couch equivalent of a midlife crisis:
• Hides wine stains and existential dread
• “Jewel tones” = compensating for beige walls
• Pro tip: Buy extras – cats mistake them for $200 scratching posts
2. Basket Case Weaves: Crunchy Chic
For kombucha moms:
• Jute fibers double as emergency kindling
• “Artisanal” = made by underpaid artisans
• Pro tip: Sprinkle chia seeds – instant granola cred
3. Trim Trauma: Fringe Benefits
Because basic is a crime:
• Tassels collect dust and judgment
• Beaded edges = cat toy buffet
• Pro tip: Superglue trims – they’ll survive the apocalypse
4. Pattern Overload: Visual Seizure Chic
For ADHD decorators:
• Clashing prints hide parenting fails
• Polka dots + stripes = hungover Picasso
• Pro tip: Add plaid – commit to the chaos
5. Rich People Fabrics: Debt with Style
Fake it till you bankruptcy:
• Silk pillows: cat hair magnets
• “Vegan leather” = plastic with delusions
• Pro tip: Scotchgard everything – including dignity
6. Guilt Cushions: Eco-Friendly Shaming
For virtue signalers:
• Hemp fibers scratch like moral superiority
• “Recycled” = someone else’s trash
• Pro tip: Lecture guests about carbon footprint
7. Sad Beige Parade: Monochrome Misery
For people who fear joy:
• 50 shades of taupe
• “Texture” = lint roller revenue stream
• Pro tip: Add single gray pillow – living dangerously
8. Seasonal Denial: Rotating Regrets
Hallmark movie marathon decor:
• Autumn leaves hide divorce papers
• Snowflake prints = cry for help
• Pro tip: Store in garage – mice need bedding
9. Body Pillow Energy: Loneliness Chic
For emotional support objects:
• Hugs you back (if you hallucinate)
• “Statement piece” = bed replacement
• Pro tip: Name them – now they’re roommates
10. Craft Night Casualties: DIY Disasters
Pinterest fails incoming:
• Hot glue scars tell your story
• Pompoms = cat choking hazards
• Pro tip: Blame “abstract art” when it’s lopsided
11. Pretentious Prints: Art School Rejects
For failed art majors:
• “Abstract” = spilled wine replica
• Motivational quotes induce vomiting
• Pro tip: Claim it’s Banksy – who’ll know?
12. Granny Chic: Time Capsule Decor
Depression-era realness:
• Paisley prints hide moth holes
• Doilies included (emotional damage free)
• Pro tip: Add lace – full grandma cosplay
13. Color Wheel Roulette: Clash of Titans
For colorblind decorators:
• Neon orange + lime green = retina burn
• “Bold choices” = cry for help
• Pro tip: Add strobe lights – commit fully
14. Pillow Tetris: Hoarder’s Delight
For people who hate sitting:
• 17 pillows per couch seat
• “Cozy” = fire hazard
• Pro tip: Label layers – survival guide needed
15. Narcissism Cushions: Mirror, Mirror
For main characters:
• Your face on every surface
• Monogrammed pillows = divorce accelerant
• Pro tip: Add QR codes – Rickroll guests
Final Fluff
May your throw pillows be fluffier than your excuses. #DecorTherapy
