Last week my fridge emailed me about expired yogurt. Here’s how to outsmart the coming robot uprising while pretending you meant to automate your entire life.
1. Eavesdropping Echoes: Alexa’s Midlife Crisis
For people who miss telemarketers:
• Accidentally orders 50 lbs of cat litter
• Remembers birthdays (yours doesn’t)
• Pro tip: Name it “Surveillance Device” for honesty
2. Robo-Blinds: Peeping Tom’s Dream
Privacy? Never heard of her:
• Opens during bathroom emergencies
• Solar-powered = vampire mode at night
• Pro tip: Wave frantically when they glitch open
3. Thermostat Tyrants: Climate Control Cops
For control freaks in sweaters:
• Judges your 3 AM ice cream runs
• “Eco mode” = modern ice age
• Pro tip: Name it “Mom” for authentic guilt trips
4. Paranoid Peepholes: NSA Chic
Because neighbors are scary:
• Records your pajama fashion shows
• Facial recognition hates your new bangs
• Pro tip: Wave to delivery drivers like a maniac
5. Fridge Snitches: Grocery Gossips
Judgemental appliances:
• Shames your midnight cheese habit
• Auto-orders kale (you’ll never eat)
• Pro tip: Unplug during breakdowns
6. Disco Lights: Rave-Ready Rooms
Epilepsy warning included:
• “Romantic mood” = questionable red glow
• Voice control mishears “dim” as “disco”
• Pro tip: Keep sunglasses handy
7. Magic Mirrors: Vanity 2.0
For self-esteem destruction:
• Displays pores in 4K resolution
• Calendar reminders of missed deadlines
• Pro tip: Cover with towel during breakdowns
8. Wireless Wires: Charging Charades
Because cables were too logical:
• Charges slower than snail mail
• Phone slides off during night
• Pro tip: Use tape – nobody will know
9. Barista Bots: Caffeine Overlords
For burnt tongue enthusiasts:
• Brews at 3 AM “for your convenience”
• “Weak” setting = battery acid
• Pro tip: Hide backup instant coffee
10. Pet Pamperers: Furry Food Fascists
Because Fluffy needs tech support:
• Dispenses treats during diet weeks
• Camera captures hairball performances
• Pro tip: Unplug before vacation naps
11. Hub Hubbub: Tech Traffic Cops
Single point of failure:
• Crashes during important demos
• “Compatible” means “buy more stuff”
• Pro tip: Learn Morse code backup
12. Gym Shame: Peloton Prison
For masochistic millennials:
• Auto-posts failed workouts online
• “Encouraging” alerts feel judgy
• Pro tip: Unplug and eat chips
13. Sonic Boom: Neighbor Warfare
Passive aggression amplified:
• Plays Nickelback at max volume
• “Surround sound” = hearing damage
• Pro tip: Blame system glitches
14. Leak Lurkers: Damp Drama Queens
For flood enthusiasts:
• Alerts during showers
• Can’t distinguish spills from tears
• Pro tip: Use as whiskey monitor
15. Air Snobs: Allergy Alcatraz
For hypochondriac homeowners:
• Detects dust from 1952
• “Pure” mode sounds like jet engine
• Pro tip: Blame pollen for your tears
Techpocalypse Now
Your smart toilet probably knows your search history. Tag us in your #TechFails – bonus if your Roomba stages a coup.
