Confession: I bought Latin cookbooks just to feel superior while burning toast. Here’s how to cosplay as a 19th century scholar between Uber Eats orders.
1. Pretentious Ivy League Vibes
For failed English majors:
• Hides ramen packets in style
• Brass accents = instant tenure
• Pro tip: Leave Proust open – never cooked
2. Depression-Era Lumber
Great-Grandpa’s ghost included:
• Splinters add character
• Hides wine stains beautifully
• Pro tip: Claim it’s “reclaimed” – triple the price
3. Pretend Libraries
Decorative dictionaries required:
• Cookbooks never opened
• Ladder strictly for selfies
• Pro tip: Alphabetize spices – lose friends
4. Yard Sale Chic
Great-Aunt Mildred’s revenge:
• Chipped china mandatory
• Smells like existential dread
• Pro tip: Call rust “patina”
5. Existential Crisis Color Scheme
Colors named after dead poets:
• “Byronic Blue” hides mold
• “Woolf’s Woe” matches eye bags
• Pro tip: Cry artistically in corner
6. Cracked China Theater
Food poisoning optional:
• Lead paint adds flavor
• Mismatched saucers = quirky!
• Pro tip: Boil water first – maybe
7. Funeral Florals
Mourning your cooking skills:
• Dead flower aesthetic
• Hangs limp like your willpower
• Pro tip: Add cobwebs – “authentic”
8. Victorian Lighting Fixtures
Chandelier collects dust:
• Candle wax on casserole
• Fire hazard included
• Pro tip: Keep extinguisher literary
9. Pretentious Reading Nooks
For staring into void:
• Uncomfortable chair mandatory
• Collects unread New Yorkers
• Pro tip: Highlight random passages
10. “Artisanal” Splinters
Handcrafted suffering:
• Rough surfaces = authentic
• Stains tell “stories”
• Pro tip: Call tetanus shots “vintage”
11. Overcompensation Art
Compensating for personality:
• Fake Rothko over microwave
• Plato quotes on oven mitts
• Pro tip: Nod thoughtfully at nothing
12. Hoarder-Chic Storage
Organized chaos:
• Mouse nests add warmth
• Find 2017 receipts daily
• Pro tip: Call it “curated”
13. Poverty Core Aesthetic
Depression decor:
• Chairs from divorce settlement
• Cracked mugs = sentimental
• Pro tip: Call dust “texture”
14. Unread Classics Display
Literary merit signaling:
• Proust as trivet
• Cookbooks never cracked
• Pro tip: Bookmark page 1 – forever
15. Pretend Curator Lifestyle
Delusions of grandeur:
• Group takeout menus “thematically”
• Explain ramen as “conceptual”
• Pro tip: Charge admission
Final Pretension
Your culinary asylum now reeks of unearned sophistication. Tag us in your #PretentiousPlateFails – bonus if your soufflé cites Nietzsche.
