Reality check: That “lush sanctuary” is just 14 dead basil plants and a cactus you’ve overwatered. Here’s how to cosplay as a gardener until the HOA notices.
1. Window Sill Funeral Home
For serial plant killers:
• Basil dies before pasta water boils
• Mint outlives your relationships
• Pro tip: Buy pre-dried herbs – same result
2. Spiky Divorcee Plants
For emotional overwaterers:
• Turns to mush by week two
• “Low maintenance” = slow death
• Pro tip: Use tears as irrigation
3. Floral Crime Scene
For colorblind optimists:
• Petunias become crispy critters
• Pansies mock your efforts
• Pro tip: Buy plastic flowers – commitment
4. Themed Plant Graveyard
For Pinterest failures:
• “Mediterranean” = dried rosemary sticks
• Desert theme now literal
• Pro tip: Add plastic scorpions – authenticity
5. Vertical Death Display
For gravity testers:
• Cascading dead ivy
• Wall stains included
• Pro tip: Claim it’s “abstract art”
6. Seasonal Depression Garden
For calendar-challenged:
• Snow kills “autumn” mums
• Summer blooms drown in April
• Pro tip: Use fake leaves – permanent fall
7. Salad Bar for Squirrels
For rodent philanthropists:
• Half-eaten strawberry buffet
• Tomato cages become spider condos
• Pro tip: Install “free salad” sign
8. Trash to Terracotta
For hoarder chic:
• Yogurt cups grow mold, not herbs
• Wine bottle “planters” shatter
• Pro tip: Use duct tape – structural integrity
9. Plant Tinder Fail
For toxic relationships:
• Basil murders mint
• Marigolds attract actual fire
• Pro tip: Host plant divorce court
10. Wasp Welcome Center
For EpiPen investors:
• Bees ignore “pretty” flowers
• Wasps claim lavender
• Pro tip: Add ER route to GPS
11. Child Labor Camp
For tiny dictators:
• Sunflowers die before sprouting
• Radishes grow penicillin
• Pro tip: Blame “bad seeds”
12. Neglect 101
For busy neglecters:
• Water? Optional
• Soil becomes concrete
• Pro tip: Call it “self-sustaining”
13. Pot Collection Regret
For pottery addicts:
• $50 pot holds dead sticks
• “Drainage holes” = bug hotels
• Pro tip: Use as cookie jars
14. Indoor Compost Heap
For biohazard enthusiasts:
• Snake plants? More like mold farms
• Peace lilies spark family wars
• Pro tip: Claim it’s “terrarium chic”
15. Gift of Regret
For friendship destroyers:
• Basil corpse in mason jar
• Succulent graveyard party favors
• Pro tip: Include funeral program
Final Rot
Tag us in your #PlantFuneralChronicles. Bonus if your local nursery blocks you.
