Confession: I painted my cabinets neon green just to watch my mother-in-law’s eye twitch. Here’s how to weaponize color in your kitchen without ending up on a home reno reality show.
1. Navy Nightmares: Pretending You’re Coastal
For people who’ve never seen the ocean:
• Hides red wine spills from book club
• Brass handles = instant yacht club membership
• Pro tip: Add seashells – delusion completes itself
2. Mustard Mayhem: Depression’s Worst Enemy
Anxiety in cabinet form:
• Guaranteed to induce morning migraines
• Pairs well with “Live Laugh Love” signs
• Pro tip: Install blackout curtains – you’ll need them
3. Swamp Green: When You Miss the 70s
Avocado toast as home decor:
• Disguises mold growth
• Complements your kombucha obsession
• Pro tip: Add macrame – full childhood trauma unlocked
4. Millennial Pink: Basic Becky’s Revenge
For failed Instagram influencers:
• Masks rosé spills
• Coordinates with unused yoga mats
• Pro tip: Add gold accents – basicness multiplier
5. Angry Red: Midlife Crisis Cabinets
For people who yell at toasters:
• Matches face during family Zoom calls
• Distracts from questionable life choices
• Pro tip: Install fire extinguisher – literally
6. Goth Black: Edgelord Eats Here
Because sunlight is overrated:
• Hides ramen stains
• Perfect for brooding over burnt toast
• Pro tip: Add chains – Hot Topic called
7. Sad Beige: Pinterest Mom Special
For moms who hate fun:
• Coordinates with unseasoned chicken
• Perfect backdrop for silent crying
• Pro tip: Add live laugh love sign – mandatory
8. Clashing Colors: ADHD Paradise
When subtlety died in 2020:
• Migraine-inducing combos
• Hides kids’ crayon masterpieces
• Pro tip: Claim it’s “eclectic” – they’ll pretend to get it
9. Textured Terror: Touchable Trauma
For people who love crumbs:
• Matte finish shows every fingerprint
• Distressed look = pre-destroyed for you
• Pro tip: Stock up on Magic Erasers
10. Retro Regret: Grandma’s Revenge
Avocado appliances not included:
• Mint green hides Jell-O mold memories
• Perfect for hosting bridge club reject
• Pro tip: Add doilies – commit to the bit
11. Material Meltdown: Identity Crisis Chic
When one personality isn’t enough:
• Wood + neon plexiglass = midlife crisis
• Great for confusing guests
• Pro tip: Call it “fusion” – art majors will nod
12. Accent Agony: Commitment Issues Solved
For commitment-phobes:
• Teal island = cry for help
• Easily repainted when trends die
• Pro tip: Use white – basic but safe
13. Coastal Cringe: Landlocked Loser Vibes
Beach house delusions:
• Anchors aweigh (your sanity)
• Sand-colored cabinets hide real sand
• Pro tip: Play seagull sounds – neighbors will love it
14. Monochrome Madness: Fifty Shades of Beige
For people who fear joy:
• Eggshell ≠ cream ≠ ivory (fight me)
• Perfect for staring into the void
• Pro tip: Add single gray accent – live dangerously
15. Custom Catastrophe: Money Pit Express
Divorce incoming:
• “Mauve-taupe” isn’t a real color
• Costs more than your college degree
• Pro tip: Blame Pinterest when it goes wrong
Final Splatter
Your cabinets now scream for help in Pantone code. Tag us in your #RenovationRegrets – bonus points if your cat refuses to enter the room.
