Confession: I organized my cords alphabetically during quarantine. Here’s how to hide your tech shame in plain sight.
1. Lumberjack Chic Tech Trays
For people who think sawdust is decor:
• Hides cords and self-respect
• “Sustainable” means you’ll feel less guilty
• Engrave your WiFi password – subtle flex
• Pro tip: Splinters build character
2. Rainbow Cord Anarchy
Organized chaos for ADHD minds:
• Color-code by device brand loyalty
• Animal shapes hide chewing damage
• Mismatched colors = “eclectic”
• Pro tip: Coordinate with therapy bills
3. Basic Boxes for Minimalists
Sad beige for sad people:
• Hides 37 charging bricks
• Ventilation holes double as snack holders
• Matches your soul’s aesthetic
• Pro tip: Label “Do Not Open – Ever”
4. Bougie Charging Thrones
For phones fancier than your car:
• Marble finish shows coffee rings nicely
• “Artistic” means 300% markup
• Impress guests between crashes
• Pro tip: Use as wedding registry bait
5. Device Orgy Stations
Family therapy for gadgets:
• Charges everything but your will to live
• “Smart” means it judges your usage
• Fire hazard = built-in excitement
• Pro tip: Name it Cordzilla
6. Grandma’s Cord Curators
Depression-era chic:
• Distressed finish hides Cheeto dust
• “Vintage” = bought from Etsy crackhead
• Matches your rotary phone
• Pro tip: Add doily for full effect
7. Wall Jail for Devices
Vertical anxiety displays:
• Shows off your cord spaghetti art
• Perfect height for cat sabotage
• “Rustic” means splinters included
• Pro tip: Add “Live Laugh Charge” sign
8. Monogrammed Midlife Crisis
Because initials fix everything:
• Engrave your divorce date
• Faux leather peels like your sanity
• “Luxury” means $5 AliExpress special
• Pro tip: Add ex’s initials – therapy included
9. Guilt Trip Green Solutions
Virtue signaling stations:
• Made from recycled judgy looks
• Bamboo warps in humidity
• Costs triple to feel superior
• Pro tip: Lecture guests about carbon
10. Modern Art Cord Mess
Abstract expressionism:
• “Artistic” means non-functional
• Colors distract from fire risk
• Doubles as Rorschach test
• Pro tip: Claim it’s Banksy-inspired
11. Kiddie Cord Catastrophes
Juvenile detention for iPads:
• Primary colors hide juice stains
• “Sturdy” means toddler-proof
• Teaches responsibility through threats
• Pro tip: Bolt it to the floor
12. Rich People Cord Jail
For people who hate money:
• Genuine pleather authenticity
• Smells like poor decisions
• Matches your leased BMW
• Pro tip: Use as divorce settlement
13. Desk Dominatrix Stations
Productivity porn:
• Holds pens you never use
• “Minimalist” means empty inside
• Charges devices and existential dread
• Pro tip: Add fake plants – they can’t die
Final Zap
Congratulations! Your devices now live in a Marie Kondo wet dream. Tag us in your #CordCatastrophes – bonus points if it bursts into flames.
