My last plant died screaming. Here’s how to torture greenery in style this year.
1. Snake Plant: Silent Judgement in a Pot
For serial plant killers:
• Thrives on your neglect
• Judges your life choices
• Pro tip: Name it “Ex-Husband”
2. Drama Lily: White Flag of Surrender
Passive-aggressive flora:
• Wilt-shames you daily
• Flowers = plant sarcasm
• Pro tip: Whisper apologies weekly
3. Spider Plant: Leggy Overachiever
For overcompensators:
• Produces more babies than you
• Survives nuclear winter
• Pro tip: Name pups after exes
4. Bamboozler: Tropical Tease
Hawaiian shirt in plant form:
• Requires more misting than Tinder dates
• Grows faster than your insecurities
• Pro tip: Play ukulele music daily
5. Rubber Reality Check: Leafy Gaslighter
For interior design liars:
• “Yes, I meant to buy this”
• Drops leaves like truth bombs
• Pro tip: Blame drafty windows
6. Fern-atic: Humidity Hog
Bathroom stalker:
• Creates own weather system
• 90% drama, 10% plant
• Pro tip: Install shower head cam
7. Zombie Plant: Unkillable Horror
Apocalypse buddy:
• Thrives in your darkness
• Survives candle-only diets
• Pro tip: Test with vodka watering
8. Aloe Vengeance: Silent Healer
First aid kit with roots:
• Judges your sunburns
• Secretly plotting world domination
• Pro tip: Name it “Healthcare”
9. Pothos: Overachieving Ivy
Botanical creeper:
• Grows while you sleep
• Strangles weaker plants
• Pro tip: Use as roommate deterrent
10. Fiddle Leaf Fig: Basic Bitch Tree
Instagram cliché:
• Dies if you look away
• Requires more attention than toddlers
• Pro tip: Photoshop leaves weekly
11. Drama Queen Dracaena: Leafy Tantrums
Plant equivalent of teenager:
• Brown tips = silent treatment
• Grows sideways for attention
• Pro tip: Negotiate watering treaties
12. Chinese Evergreen: Communist Flora
Propaganda poster plant:
• Thrives in dark corners
• Survives on hope alone
• Pro tip: Play revolutionary anthems
13. Calathea: Diva Leaves
For masochistic waterers:
• Crisps if breathed on wrong
• Patterns more complex than taxes
• Pro tip: Hire plant therapist
14. Prayer Plant: Religious Experience
Botanical cult leader:
• Leaf movements = judgement day
• Requires 100% humidity devotion
• Pro tip: Build altar of pebbles
15. Philodendron: Clingy Lover
Greenhouse stage 5 clinger:
• Grows into your personal space
• Suffocates other relationships
• Pro tip: Set relationship boundaries
Photosynthesis Fail
Your spider plant is judging your life choices. Tag us in your #PlantFuneral fails – bonus points for creative CPR attempts.
