Your neighbor’s judging your dead lawn? Cover it with fabric and call it “curated.” Here’s how to turn your backyard into a basic brunch spot.
1. Floating Fabric Fiasco
Mosquito netting for humans:
• Sheer curtains = free moth housing
• “Earthy tones” = dirt camouflage
• Pro tip: Staple gun required – and possibly marriage counseling
2. Floor Cushion Catastrophe
For people who hate standing:
• Stains double as abstract art
• Stuffing migrates to Bermuda Triangle
• Pro tip: Buy extras – guests “accidentally” take them
3. Moroccan Migraine Lights
Epilepsy test included:
• Shadows hide questionable stains
• Bulb changes require PhD
• Pro tip: Use flickering LEDs – haunted AirBnB vibes
4. Macrame Mayhem
Spiderweb chic:
• Collects dust like unpaid bills
• Knots symbolize life choices
• Pro tip: Add feathers – become bird Airbnb
5. Plant Hospice Corner
Where ferns come to perish:
• Dead leaves = “organic confetti”
• Watering can doubles as wine holder
• Pro tip: Fake succulents – they can’t judge
6. Rug Regret Reloaded
Tripping hazard deluxe:
• Hides dog pee creatively
• Fringe eats LEGO pieces
• Pro tip: Scotchgard your dignity
7. Thrift Store Trauma Display
Grandma’s attic called:
• Crocheted doilies = crumb catchers
• “Vintage” = smells like regret
• Pro tip: Add dreamcatchers – catch ambition
8. Identity Crisis Pergola
Yoga studio? Bar? Who knows:
• Meditation corner collects empty wine glasses
• Hammock sags like life goals
• Pro tip: Call it “flexible” – code for messy
9. Seasonal Denial Decor
Pumpkins in July? Why not:
• Christmas lights year-round = permanent denial
• Autumn leaves in spring = compost chic
• Pro tip: Fake snow – explains cold personality
10. Eco-Guilt Aesthetic
Recycled regrets:
• Pallet furniture splinters = free acupuncture
• Solar lights die by 8 PM
• Pro tip: Call mosquitoes “local wildlife”
11. Rugception Nightmare
Triple-layer crumb buffet:
• Hides dead grass beautifully
• Moths throw family reunions here
• Pro tip: Burn it all – start fresh yearly
12. Clown College Color Scheme
Rainbow vomit approved:
• Tassels = cat toys
• Neon pillows induce migraines
• Pro tip: Sunglasses mandatory
13. Chandelier of Regret
Cobweb central:
• Dust bunnies pay rent
• Installation requires divorce lawyer
• Pro tip: Claim it’s “artisanal” – they’ll nod
14. Fabric Hoarder’s Delight
Velvet in July? Bold move:
• Stains become “patina”
• Linen wrinkles match your face
• Pro tip: Call it “tactile” – avoids cleaning
15. Fire Pit of Broken Dreams
Marshmallow funeral pyre:
• Smoke follows you like bad decisions
• Ash becomes free decor
• Pro tip: Keep hose nearby – for wine spills
Final Meltdown
Tag us in your #PergolaRegrets – bonus if raccoons start using your floor pillows as Airbnb.
