Confession: I licked a paint chip to test toxicity. Here’s how to redecorate without becoming a hazmat case study.
1. ECOS: For Hypersensitive Helicopter Parents
For people who bubble-wrap their air:
• Zero chemicals (except your anxiety)
• Colors named after yoga poses
• Costs more than therapy
• Pro tip: Drink it to prove safety
2. Benjamin Moore: For People Who Read Labels Aloud
Luxury for control freaks:
• Dries faster than your patience
• Colors match Pinterest fails
• “Harmony” line induces marital discord
• Pro tip: Use to paint over child’s wall art
3. Behr Budget Brew: Ramen Money Luxury
Poor person’s eco-guilt solution:
• Low-VOC = still smells like regret
• Covers sins and drywall flaws
• “Premium” means lid closes properly
• Pro tip: Buy extra for touch-ups after wine nights
4. Sherwin-Williams: For People Who Iron Curtains
OCD-approved wall juice:
• Resists mold and personality
• Color matches HOA regulations
• Sales staff judge your choices
• Pro tip: Use white to highlight dust
5. Rust-Oleum Chalked: Pinterest Mom Juice
Distressed finishes for distressed moms:
• Hides juice box stains artfully
• “Vintage” means pre-sanded
• Chips faster than your resolve
• Pro tip: Add “Farmhouse” to listing price
6. Milk Paint: For Crunchy Granola Types
Paint you can technically eat:
• Made from organic cow tears
• Colors: Beige, Ecru, and Regret
• Requires 17 coats minimum
• Pro tip: Use on kombucha bar
7. Lullaby Paints: Baby’s First Neurotoxin-Free Zone
For paranoid new parents:
• Tested by overpaid lab rats
• Colors match sleep deprivation
• Wipes clean of pureed carrots
• Pro tip: Also safe for wine spills
8. Clare Paint: Millennial Gray Deluxe
Basic Becky’s wall sauce:
• Curated colors = fifty shades of beige
• Packaging matches Instagram aesthetic
• Dries during TikTok dances
• Pro tip: Use to paint over personality
Final Brushstroke
Congratulations! Your home is now a virtue-signaling masterpiece. Tag us in your #PaintRegrets – bonus points if the color looks different in daylight.
