Confession: I bought brass fixtures just to make my landlord nervous. Here’s how to fake luxury without getting evicted.
1. Brass Faucets: Pretend You’re Fancy
For people who drink boxed wine:
• Hides lime scale like a pro
• Makes tap water feel champagne-adjacent
• Pro tip: Polish weekly – commitment issues optional
2. Cabinet Bling: Dollar Store Glam
Lipstick on a cabinet pig:
• Distracts from IKEA particle board
• Screws included (probably)
• Pro tip: Buy extras – they’ll disappear
3. Towel Toasters: Sweatpants Luxury
For failed spa dreams:
• Dries underwear in style
• Uses enough electricity to power Toledo
• Pro tip: Claim it’s “eco-friendly”
4. Clutter Camouflage: Junk Jails
Adulting 101:
• Hides expired medications
• Makes hoarding look intentional
• Pro tip: Label boxes “misc” – mystery included
5. Vanity Mirrors: Selfie Stations
Reality distortion fields:
• Makes morning face manageable
• Creates illusion of personal space
• Pro tip: Clean monthly – denial optional
6. Mood Lighting: Drama Queens
For midnight snack shame:
• Hides questionable tile choices
• Sets scene for shower concerts
• Pro tip: Add dimmer – meltdowns included
7. Shower Drapery: Mold Magnets
Fabric petri dishes:
• Collects shampoo residue
• Doubles as abstract art
• Pro tip: Wash never – character builder
8. Plant Hostages: Green Guilt
Succulent survivors:
• Thrives on neglect
• Filters existential dread
• Pro tip: Water monthly – maybe
9. Floof Mats: Crumb Catchers
Toe fungus paradise:
• Traps lost hair ties
• Absorbs life regrets
• Pro tip: Wash quarterly – optimism required
10. Wall “Art”: Target Therapy
Motivational lies:
• “Breathe” signs for panic attacks
• Covers mysterious stains
• Pro tip: Use command strips – denial intact
11. Brass Junk: Matchy-Matchy Madness
Consistency is key(stone light):
• Tarnishes evenly
• Collects toothpaste art
• Pro tip: Buy in bulk – commitment issues
12. Towel Rainbows: Midlife Crisis
Closet color vomit:
• Hides makeup disasters
• Coordinates with nothing
• Pro tip: Bleach weekly – hope dies last
13. Granny Chic: Flea Market Finds
Depression era realness:
• Smells like mothballs
• Chips included
• Pro tip: Call it “shabby chic” – profit
14. Floating Shelves: Dust Collectors
Display your shame:
• Showcases expired products
• Creates avalanche hazard
• Pro tip: Dust never – natural patina
15. Seasonal Switch-Ups: Retail Therapy
Halloween in July:
• Confuses guests year-round
• Storage nightmare included
• Pro tip: Buy plastic pumpkins – commit
Final Flush
Your throne room now sparkles with questionable decisions. Tag us in your #DecorDisasters – bonus if your shower curtain attacks someone.
