Ready to trade your savings for temporary serotonin? Here’s where to find décor that’ll scream “I tried!” until you haul it to Goodwill in July.
1. Target: Overpriced Plastic Wonderland
For basic bitches with a credit card:
• Floral prints = divorced mom energy
• Pastel pillows = cat hair display system
• Pro tip: Buy 3 carts full – debt builds character!
2. IKEA: Assembly Required Therapy
For masochists who love hex keys:
• “Airy curtains” = see-through poverty
• Fake plants = compost for your soul
• Pro tip: Marry a Swede – free meatballs included
3. HomeGoods: Overpriced Garage Sale
For rich hoarders:
• “Artisanal” = glue gun disasters
• Quirky wall art = future landfill residents
• Pro tip: Smash vases yourself – “distressed” markup!
4. Michaels: Pinterest Fail Starter Kit
For delusional crafters:
• Wreath kits = divorce catalyst
• Floral foam = microplastic buffet
• Pro tip: Buy extra glue – tears won’t hold it together
5. Walmart: Sadness in Aisle 5
For coupon-clipping champions:
• Faux flowers = plastic fantastic
• Cheerful linens = spaghetti stain backdrop
• Pro tip: Park near carts – authentic experience
6. Amazon: Impulse Buy Central
For Prime addicts:
• “Endless choices” = analysis paralysis
• Quick delivery = divorce papers speedrun
• Pro tip: Sort by “sponsored” – Bezos needs another yacht
7. Etsy: Hipster Tax Emporium
For trust fund minimalists:
• “Handmade” = hot glue nightmares
• Custom signs = passive-aggressive décor
• Pro tip: Add “vintage” to search – triple the price!
8. Wayfair: Divorce in a Box
For couples who hate each other:
• “Stylish” = Instagram vs reality
• Affordable = cardboard thickness
• Pro tip: Film unboxing – viral divorce content!
9. Bed Bath & Beyond: Coupon Catastrophe
For expired coupon hoarders:
• “Cozy” = suffocating fleece
• Cheerful gadgets = unitasker graveyard
• Pro tip: Stack 20% off coupons – math is fun!
10. Dollar Tree: Regret for $1.25
For depressed optimists:
• Floral arrangements = plastic carcinogens
• Decorative eggs = future sidewalk chalk
• Pro tip: Buy 100 items – feel rich for $125!
11. CB2: Pretentious Poverty
For art school dropouts:
• “Sleek vases” = $200 cup holders
• Playful patterns = migraine triggers
• Pro tip: Pronounce it “Cee-Bee-Two” – instant elitism
12. Pier 1: Zombie Brand Walking
For people stuck in 2012:
• Boho paradise = college dorm redux
• Artistic hangings = dust catchers
• Pro tip: Burn sage – cleanse corporate vibes
13. World Market: Cultural Appropriation Station
For armchair travelers:
• “Worldly charm” = sweatshop souvenirs
• Colorful textiles = colonialist cosplay
• Pro tip: Buy mass-produced “artisan” – ethics optional
14. Overstock: Overpriced Underquality
For optimistic idiots:
• “Great deals” = AliExpress markup
• Cohesive looks = matchy-matchy hell
• Pro tip: Check return policy – you’ll need it
15. Thrift Stores: Other People’s Trash
For plague enthusiasts:
• Vintage treasures = bed bug buffet
• Quirky art = someone’s failed Etsy
• Pro tip: Lysol everything – hepatitis is trendy
Final Destination: Regret
Congratulations! You’ve successfully traded money for temporary dopamine. Bonus points if your decor survives May. Happy (?) nesting!
