Confession: I sold my couch to achieve “open space aesthetic” and now eat dinner on the floor. Here’s how to starve your space of personality on a budget.
1. Beige Brigade: Color Therapy for the Emotionally Numb
For people who fear commitment (to color):
• Fifty shades of eggshell
• Hides coffee stains from 3am breakdowns
• Pro tip: Add single black pillow – live dangerously
2. Swiss Army Furniture: Pretend You’re Adulting
For studio apartment survivors:
• Coffee table becomes bed becomes dinner table
• Storage hides questionable life choices
• Pro tip: Claim “minimalism” when guests ask where to sit
3. Crunchy Core: Touching Grass Indoors
For people who miss outside:
• Jute rug = indoor camping
• Linen curtains = permanent wrinkle chic
• Pro tip: Add pinecones – ~forest vibes~
4. Zen Denial: Marie Kondo’s Nightmare
For recovering hoarders:
• Empty surfaces = clean mind illusion
• Baskets hide unpaid bills
• Pro tip: Call it “negative space” – art majors will nod
5. Plant Hostage Situation: Oxygen Debt Collection
For serial plant killers:
• Bonsai = tiny tree prison
• Succulents = basic bitch botany
• Pro tip: Buy fake plants – eternal life hack
6. Mood Lighting: Hide Your Crying Corners
For vampires with LED strips:
• Paper lanterns = fire hazard chic
• Dimmable lights = adjustable depression
• Pro tip: Use candlelight – pretend it’s ~ambiance~ not poverty
7. Meaningful Minimalism: One Tchotchke Only
For people who own one meaningful mug:
• Ceramic vase = single flower hospice
• Art books no one reads
• Pro tip: Rotate single decor item – illusion of change
8. Blanket Fort Chic: Linens Anonymous
For people who nap professionally:
• Throw blankets = fabric hoarding
• Neutral pillows = cry-proof stains
• Pro tip: Use sheepskin rug – pretend it’s not synthetic
9. Rich People Cosplay: IKEA Hack Edition
For Pinterest fails waiting to happen:
• “Solid wood” = particle board fantasy
• Sustainable = can’t afford to replace
• Pro tip: Call scratches “patina”
10. Pretend Tea Ceremonies: Matcha Meltdowns
For people who microwave matcha:
• Floor seating = bad knees incoming
• Zen garden = cat litter lookalike
• Pro tip: Use takeout containers – secret shame storage
11. Rock Collection: Pet Rocks 2.0
For adults still proud of kindergarten skills:
• Decorative stones = upgraded gravel
• Driftwood = beach trash chic
• Pro tip: Paint one rock gold – instant ~accent~
12. Blank Wall Energy: Pretend Sophistication
For people who failed art school:
• Single line drawing = “I could do that”
• Empty frames = avant-garde emptiness
• Pro tip: Call it “breathing room” – not laziness
13. Empty Room Therapy: Claustrophobia Wins
For people with nothing to hide:
• Echoes highlight lonely existence
• No furniture = no guests policy
• Pro tip: Add single chair – “statement piece”
14. Depression Lighting: 40-Watt Feelings
For people who hate seeing clearly:
• Dimmable bulbs = adjustable misery
• Paper lamps = fire department speed dial
• Pro tip: Use candlelight – pretend it’s romantic
15. Souvenir Shrine: Airport Gift Shop Core
For people who peaked in college:
• Single vacation photo = personality
• Heirloom vase = grandma’s ashes holder
• Pro tip: Display ex’s gifts – petty revenge decor
Final Enlightenment
You’ve achieved inner peace (and outer emptiness). Tag us in your #MinimalismFail posts – bonus if your cat ruins the zen aesthetic.
