Confession: I set this table just to take Instagram photos alone. Here’s how to repel dates with craft store leftovers.
1. Basic Romance 101
For Hallmark movie victims:
• White cloth shows wine stains beautifully
• Plastic roses = commitment issues
• Pro tip: Add glitter – herpes of crafts
2. Hillbilly Honeymoon
For failed Pinterest moms:
• Stores pickle brine memories
• Doubles as insect habitats
• Pro tip: Add moonshine – authentic touch
3. Easter Reject Special
For adult baby enthusiasts:
• Coordinates with unmedicated ADHD
• Hides antidepressant residue
• Pro tip: Add bunny ears – full regression
4. Divorcee Deluxe
For alimony receivers:
• Spray-painted plastic = “luxe”
• Shows dust spectacularly
• Pro tip: Add prenup centerpiece
5. Sad Indoor Picnic
For people who hate chairs:
• Crumbs in awkward places
• Recreates school cafeteria trauma
• Pro tip: Add ants – authentic outdoors
6. Granny’s Forgotten China
For antique hoarders:
• Chipped cups = family heirlooms
• Smells like mothballs
• Pro tip: Add doilies – full breakdown
7. Prison Cafeteria Chic
For joyless minimalists:
• Paper plates = “sustainability”
• Perfect for eating frozen dinners
• Pro tip: Add single pea – portion control
8. Clown Vomit Explosion
For colorblind decorators:
• Seizure-inducing placemats
• Hides questionable stains
• Pro tip: Add glitter – craft herpes
9. Fire Hazard Romance
For pyromaniac lovers:
• Wax burns build character
• Perfect for insurance fraud
• Pro tip: Add gasoline – commitment!
10. Hobbit Core Rejects
For mushroom enthusiasts:
• Free bugs with every meal
• Smells like wet dog
• Pro tip: Add live squirrels – authentic
Final Crumbs
Tag us in your #DatingDisasters – bonus points if food poisoning occurs. Happy lonely hearts day!
