Confession: I decorated my bathroom so no one would want to stay over. Here’s how to weaponize bath salts this Valentine’s.
1. Arson Starter Kit
For pyromaniac lovers:
• Wax burns build character
• Perfect for insurance claims
• Pro tip: Add gasoline – “passionate” upgrade
2. Dead Flower Display
For allergy enthusiasts:
• Pollen surprise in your towel
• Free bugs with every bouquet
• Pro tip: Add cacti – commitment test
3. Moldy Towel Experience
For musty vibes:
• Shared athlete’s foot bonding
• Stains hide relationship flaws
• Pro tip: Never wash – “vintage” appeal
4. Passive-Aggressive Post-Its
For toxic couples:
• “Remember to replace toilet paper” = love
• Hidden bills in “romantic” hunt
• Pro tip: Use divorce papers – surprise!
5. Essential Oils Nightmare
For MLM hunbots:
• Chemical burns = lasting memories
• Slip-n-slide bathroom floors
• Pro tip: Add CBD – placebo effect
6. Migraine Lighting
For reality avoiders:
• Highlights every skin flaw
• Hospital waiting room vibes
• Pro tip: Add strobes – rave bathroom
7. UTI Starter Kit
For urgent care regulars:
• Glitter where sun don’t shine
• Questionable pH balance
• Pro tip: Add food coloring – crime scene
8. Waterproof Breakup Anthems
For emotional vampires:
• Celine Dion on loop torture
• Bluetooth shock hazard
• Pro tip: Add Nickelback – instant breakup
9. Dollar Store Desperation
For broke singles:
• Peeling heart stickers everywhere
• “Champagne” plastic flutes
• Pro tip: Add divorce papers – modern art
10. Moldy Mat Special
For science experiments:
• Cultures unknown to mankind
• Matches unwashed hair aesthetic
• Pro tip: Never replace – “patina”
Final Flood Warning
Tag us in your #BathroomRegrets – bonus points if plumber’s involved. Happy anti-Valentine’s!
