Confession: I decorated my kitchen to scare off potential soulmates. Here’s how to weaponize glitter in your dining space.
1. Sad Single Place Settings
For imaginary dinner guests:
• Gold accents = credit card debt
• Place cards for your cats
• Pro tip: Use divorce papers as coasters
2. Fire Hazard Fragrances
For pyromaniac chefs:
• Masks burnt dinner smells
• Wax stains = permanent decor
• Pro tip: Add gasoline – “passion” upgrade
3. Cringe Wall Gallery
For desperate nostalgics:
• Highlights bad haircut eras
• “Live Laugh Love” in Comic Sans
• Pro tip: Add ex’s face – dartboard style
4. Stain-Camouflage Linens
For messy cooks:
• Pizza sauce stains = “abstract art”
• Last washed during Obama’s term
• Pro tip: Use as emergency bandages
5. Lopsided Love Baked Goods
For baking failures:
• Resembles anatomical heart
• Cement-texture brownies
• Pro tip: Serve with divorce papers
Final Crumbs
Tag us in your #CookingCatastrophes – bonus points if fire department gets called. Happy anti-Valentine’s!
