Confession: I painted my walls “Existential Crisis Blue” just to watch my decorator cry. Here’s how to turn your home into a Pantone-themed panic room.
1. Royal Regret: Jewel Tones That Scream “I Overcompensate”
For failed aristocrats:
• Sapphire walls hide wine stains
• Gold accents = instant oligarch vibes
• Pro tip: Add crown molding – delusion completes itself
2. Sad Beige: Adulting’s Favorite Color
For people who fear joy:
• Terracotta = dirt cosplay
• Taupe hides toddler handprints
• Pro tip: Add rattan – crumb camouflage
3. Clowncore Aesthetic: For Attention Seekers
For ex-rave kids:
• Neon yellow induces migraines
• Teal accents clash with reality
• Pro tip: Install strobe lights – commit to the chaos
4. Chlorophyll Chic: Live-Laugh-Lawn
For plant murderers:
• Sage green hides mold growth
• Fake ferns collect dust majestically
• Pro tip: Play bird sounds – neighbors will love it
5. Fifty Shades of Beige: Boredom Palace
For colorphobes:
• Eggshell ≠ Ivory ≠ Cream (fight me)
• Perfect for staring into the void
• Pro tip: Add gray accent – live dangerously
6. Seizure Chic: Pattern Overload
For maximalist maniacs:
• Zebra stripes clash with plaid
• Florals hide coffee stains poorly
• Pro tip: Claim it’s “eclectic” – they’ll pretend to understand
7. Touchable Trauma: Textural Nightmares
For crumb curators:
• Velvet traps every Cheeto
• Rattan snags sweater sleeves
• Pro tip: Stock up on lint rollers
8. Guilt Trip Green: Eco-Fakery
For virtue signalers:
• “Moss” paint actually plastic
• Recycled cardboard couch collapses
• Pro tip: Add composting bin – for Amazon boxes
9. Hospitalcore: Sterile Perfection
For OCD sufferers:
• Shows every fingerprint
• “Pristine” = impossible to maintain
• Pro tip: Add hand sanitizer – complete the vibe
10. Rave Remnants: Disco Inferno
For aging club kids:
• Neon lights reveal wrinkles
• Disco ball distracts from laundry pile
• Pro tip: Add fog machine – hide cooking smells
11. Math Class Flashbacks: Angles Anonymous
For geometry dropouts:
• Hexagons = beehive cosplay
• Triangles induce anxiety attacks
• Pro tip: Add protractor – commit to the bit
12. Prison Chic: Bold Stripes
For interior design inmates:
• Vertical stripes make you look taller (lies)
• Horizontal lines widen rooms (depression)
• Pro tip: Add bars – security chic
13. Color Lasagna: Layered Regrets
For indecisive decorators:
• 7 shades of blue-induced depression
• “Depth” = can’t find countertops
• Pro tip: Add blackout curtains – escape the chaos
14. Nurserycore: Adult Baby Aesthetic
For arrested development:
• Mint green = toothpaste walls
• Lavender triggers childhood trauma
• Pro tip: Add pacifier art – full regression
15. Thrift Store Throw-Up: Accessory Overload
For flea market addicts:
• Crocheted fruit collects dust
• “Vintage” vases smell musty
• Pro tip: Add “Live Laugh Love” – basicness perfected
Final Chromatic Meltdown
Your walls now scream for help in Pantone codes. Tag us in your #DecorRegrets – bonus if your Roomba gets stuck in a “textured accent zone”.
