Pro tip: If guests don’t ask “Do you actually live here?” you’re not minimalist enough. Here’s how to turn your home into an IKEA showroom after a hurricane.
1. Sad Beige: Depressioncore Aesthetic
For people who hate joy:
• Matches your soul after 9-to-5 grind
• Hides tears better than patterns
• Pro tip: Add single gray throw pillow – living dangerously
2. Futon of Despair: College Dorm Flashbacks
When adulting fails:
• Sofa bed permanently in bed mode
• Storage ottoman hides ramen stash
• Pro tip: Call it “industrial” – landlords hate this trick
3. Empty Shelf Syndrome: Existential Crisis Decor
Marie Kondo’s nightmare:
• One book titled “How to Have Friends”
• Single fork on display
• Pro tip: Remove doors – become one with the void
4. Blank Wall Therapy: Art Is for Rich People
Gallery walls are overrated:
• Framed PDF of your lease agreement
• Post-it note says “art here later”
• Pro tip: Use pencil marks – abstract concept
5. Sad Plant Corner: Last Survivor Edition
For serial plant killers:
• Cactus on life support
• Fake fern collects real dust
• Pro tip: Water with tears – natural fertilizer
6. Mirror of Erised: Loneliness Amplifier
When you need more you in your life:
• Reflects empty takeout containers
• Magnifies morning bedhead
• Pro tip: Write “Hot” in toothpaste – self love
7. Decorative Air: Invisible Accents
Minimalism’s final form:
• Dust bunnies as centerpiece
• Echoes count as wall art
• Pro tip: Charge friends $5 to “experience the vibe”
8. Texture Trauma: Sensory Deprivation Tank
For people who hate excitement:
• Three identical throw blankets
• “Accent” pillow from 1998
• Pro tip: Rub sandpaper on walls – texture hack
9. Overhead Lighting: Interrogation Vibes
CSI: Your Living Room:
• Exposes every pore
• Highlights pizza stain art
• Pro tip: Use car headlights – authentic cop drama
10. Rug Regret: Dollar Store Doormat
Defining personal failure zones:
• Shower curtain as area rug
• Perfect for tripping hazards
• Pro tip: Draw squares with chalk – imaginary zones
11. Plant Hospice: Last Rites for Ferns
Botanical murder scene:
• Cactus crying for help
• Mold as “natural decor”
• Pro tip: Glue leaves on – permanent greenery
12. Capsule Catastrophe: Laundry Day Forever
Seven identical turtlenecks:
• Stain rotation system
• Socks count as “accessories”
• Pro tip: Wear inside out – new outfit!
13. Kitchen Sadness: Single Spoon Lifestyle
For master takeout artists:
• Butter knife = multi-tool
• Paper plates as fine china
• Pro tip: Use oven as storage – cooking is passé
14. Naked Windows: Exhibitionist Special
Free neighborhood entertainment:
• Morning stretches = public access TV
• Blinds? Too maximalist
• Pro tip: Wave at creepers – establish dominance
15. Mattress Martyrdom: Floor Core Aesthetic
Back pain is minimalist:
• Sleeping bag chic
• Pillows? Decadent luxury
• Pro tip: Claim “Japanese inspired” – weebs will nod
16. Shopping Abstinence: Wallet Protection Mode
Broke person’s cope:
• “I prefer imaginary decor”
• Ramen packets as wall art
• Pro tip: Steal hotel pens – thrilling rebellion
Final Emptiness
Your apartment now looks like a furniture store after hours. Share your saddest decor “wins” below – bonus if your mom cries when she visits.
