Confession: I named my fern Susan. Here’s how to make your plants insta-famous with overpriced dirt containers.
1. Sad Beige for Sad People
For people who think excitement is a spice:
• Colors named “Dried Tears” and “Regret”
• Perfect for killing joy slowly
• Matches your linen wardrobe
• Pro tip: Add fake dust for authenticity
2. Geometry Teacher’s Revenge
Triangles: Because circles are too mainstream:
• Guaranteed to induce math trauma
• Colors clash with your soul
• Distracts from dying plants
• Pro tip: Use to hide pet chew marks
3. Nightmare Before Nap Time
For people who miss Lisa Frank stickers:
• Owls judging your life choices
• Foxes stealing your wifi
• Perfect for creepy nurseries
• Pro tip: Eyes follow you to bathroom
4. Grandma’s Forgery Florals
Depression-era chic:
• Flowers only your nana recognizes
• Matches doily collection
• Hides mold beautifully
• Pro tip: Smell like mothballs
5. Distressed & Depressed
For fans of shabby-chic poverty:
• Pre-weathered by underpaid artisans
• Matches peeling rental walls
• “Vintage” means you overpaid
• Pro tip: Add real cracks for free
6. Color Blocked & Emotionally Blocked
Abstract expressionist nightmare:
• Hides water stains artfully
• Colors coordinate with Xanax
• Makes plants look depressed
• Pro tip: Claim it’s Bauhaus
7. Basic Bitch Beige
For people who fear joy:
• Matches corporate office aesthetic
• Shows dirt beautifully
• Soul-crushing simplicity
• Pro tip: Add single gray rock
8. Mosaic Mayhem
Kindergarten art project chic:
• Sharp edges build character
• Colors induce migraines
• Perfect for hiding spiders
• Pro tip: Glue gun sold separately
Final Leaf
Congratulations! Your greenery now lives in Pinterest purgatory. Tag us in your #PlantPotRegrets – bonus points if the paint washes off in the first watering.
