Confession: I took out a second mortgage to afford these throw pillows. Here’s how to cosplay as a trust fund baby on a Walmart budget.
1. Overpriced Blanket Fort
For people who sweat money:
• $500 “distressed” blankets
• Velvet traps every Cheeto crumb
• Pro tip: Add horse logo – quadruple price
2. Bankruptcy Bulbs
For light snobs:
• Crystal chandelier collects dust
• Dimmer switches confuse guests
• Pro tip: Use 5W bulbs – stumble romantically
3. Pretentious Wall Therapy
For art school rejects:
• Splatter paint = “investment piece”
• Frame IKEA posters ironically
• Pro tip: Nod thoughtfully at blobs
4. Dead Plant Chic
For black thumb elites:
• Plastic ferns collect dust
• “Reclaimed” wood = pallet trash
• Pro tip: Spray Febreze – “forest fresh”
5. Egyptian Cotton Debt
For sheet snobs:
• 1000-threadcount prison
• Decorative pillows attack sleepers
• Pro tip: Starch sheets – sleep upright
6. Depresso Expresso Palette
For vampire cosplayers:
• Navy walls hide wine spills
• Gold accents = middle school craft
• Pro tip: Add blackout curtains – embrace void
7. Rich People LARPing
For nouveau riche wannabes:
• Embroider initials on toilet paper
• Display great-grandma’s silverware
• Pro tip: Buy coat of arms – Etsy nobility
8. Antique Roadshow Regret
For masochistic hosts:
• “Vintage” chair stabs backs
• Coffee table ruins shins
• Pro tip: Add doilies – full geriatric immersion
9. Mosquito Lounge Deluxe
For bug buffets:
• $2k lounge chairs never used
• Outdoor rug molds instantly
• Pro tip: Add citronella – candlelight dinner
10. Cluttercore Chic
For organized hoarders:
• Baskets hide unopened bills
• Ottomans store existential dread
• Pro tip: Label bins in Latin – instant class
11. Scented Debt
For olfactory snobs:
• $75 “bergamot” = citrus Lysol
• Sound machine plays stock quotes
• Pro tip: Burn cash – same effect
12. Useless Rich People Toys
For dust collectors:
• Silver trays tarnish instantly
• Coasters judge drink choices
• Pro tip: Add monocle – full cosplay
Final Bankruptcy
Your credit score now matches your thread count. Tag us in your #PoloPoverty posts – bonus if your decorator sends a cease-and-desist.
