Confession: I bought 14 heart-shaped candles to compensate for my emotional unavailability. Here’s how to weaponize wax this February.
1. Heartburn Hazards: Soy Sadness
For people who romance themselves:
• Non-toxic tears collection system
• Burns longer than your last relationship
• Pro tip: Buy red – hides wine spills
2. Lumberjack Lament: Tree Coffins
For people who miss campfires (and therapy):
• Smells like pine and poor decisions
• Doubles as bludgeoning weapon
• Pro tip: Add axe – ~authentic lumberjack vibes~
3. Scented Regrets: Love Potion #9
For people who confuse scent with personality:
• “Jasmine” = basic bitch beacon
• Container stores ashes of past relationships
• Pro tip: Light during Zoom dates – instant ambiance
4. Math Trauma: Geometry Fire Hazards
For former gifted kids:
• Hexagons = adult LEGO
• Perfect for avoiding eye contact
• Pro tip: Stack precariously – living on the edge
5. Floral Funeral: Botanical Grief
For people who kill real plants:
• Preserved petals = eternal disappointment
• Smells like grandma’s approval
• Pro tip: Add thorns – ~edgy botanical~
6. Gradient Grief: Ombre Oblivion
For people who can’t commit to one color:
• Fades like your dating prospects
• Matches your mood swings
• Pro tip: Use in bathroom – crying gradient
7. Narcissist Nightlights: Custom Wax
For people who gift themselves Valentines:
• Engraved with your own name
• “Self-Love” scent optional
• Pro tip: Add ex’s initials – voodoo bonus
8. Seasonal Depression: Cupid’s Arson
For Hallmark movie survivors:
• Chocolate scent = calories-free coping
• Arrow-shaped wax = weaponized love
• Pro tip: Burn with wedding photos – cathartic
9. Floral Betrayal: Candle Breakups
For people who kill two decor birds:
• Flowers die faster than your hopes
• Wax preserves memories better than brain
• Pro tip: Add cacti – prickly romance
10. Retro Regrets: Great-Aunt Core
For people who collect red flags:
• Smells like 1970s divorce
• Ornate enough to hide dust
• Pro tip: Pair with vinyl – full delusion
Final Meltdown
Your candles now have better ambiance than your dating profile. Tag us in your #SingleFlame posts – bonus if your cat knocks them over dramatically.
